Kerry Campaign Dies in Tragic Swiftboat Accident

From the holy city of Rocky River:

Late Tuesday night, John Kerry's presidential campaign was left bleeding and horribly mutilated in an horrific Swiftboat accident.

Witnesses say that the campaign was dashed to bits on a partially submerged Swiftboat as it careened out of control. Some reports claim that just before the impact, Kerry was shrieking hysterically as he flung medals at the ghosts of the past.

Eyewitness Bill Clinton recounted, "I told him to shut the hell up about Vietnam and watch where he was headed, but he just mumbled something about 'the wrong course at the wrong time', then he hit that damned boat. Sheeit, there was ketchup EVERYWHERES!"

Kerry's campaign is survived by Michael Moore and Jacques Chirac.