Darwin Gets Medieval

From the Holier than Usual City of Cleveland

Recently, one of our “wayward youth”, one Arthur Buford of Cleveland, made one of those life changing decisions which so often make the papers and the evening news. Truth be told it was actually a life ending choice.

You see, young master Buford decided that he and a friend would rob a man at gunpoint on his own front lawn. A victim of our public schools, Arthur was tragically unable to read the in depth (and sometimes fevered) coverage attending the passage of Ohio House Bills 12 and 347, authorizing licensed Ohioans to carry concealed firearms for the defense of themselves and others.

Had Mr. Buford been reading the papers instead of watching Pokemon and twirling his Jennings .25 like Robocop, he would have learned that Ohio had taken a giant step in its quest for equality. I’m a big fan of equality, and legalized concealed carry has finally brought such equality to robbers and robbery victims here in Ohio. Heretofore, most of the danger inherent in armed robbery had accrued to the victim, who might be shot for resisting [ineffectively], for not having enough money, or simply because. Now, armed robbers from Cincinnati to Youngstown have an equal or better chance of getting shot in their own robbery attempts.

But sleeping late, as muggers are wont to do, poor Arthur never got the word from the morning news shows. Doubtless he was too busy [robbing people] in the evenings to get the word from Katie Couric.

Instead, Buford was cut down in the [sub-]prime of his life, such as it was. His companion is facing felony murder charges for his death, having been involved in a homicide during the commission of a felony. Were this Apartheid Chicago, he could even face the death penalty.

In the wake of Arthur’s catastrophic perforation, a small upwelling of sympathy for him and anger toward his cantankerously undocile intended victim manifested itself in an impromptu shrine on one hand and vandalism of the victim’s home on the other. In contrast, the overwhelming reaction of NE Ohio’s inhabitants has been praise for the victim’s marksmanship, coupled with non-praise for Buford’s smarts. In one of those little, everyday acts which set NE Ohio apart from Soweto on the Lake (Apartheid Chicago), not only was the victim NOT persecuted by the authorities for his timerity in not dying at Arthur’s hands, but Cleveland Police officers AND the NAACP volunteered to guard his home from the further depredations of Buford’s fellow thugs... who continue to deny that the armed robber (on probation for armed robbery at the time of his demise while committing an armed robbery) and they are “thugs”.

As a public service to non-thugs like Arthur Buford and his fans, here are some words of advice:

● In Ohio, armed robbery is now OFFICIALLY dangerous for the victim AND the robber. To paraphrase a famous rapper and serviceable character actor, “You and your homeys could be lying in chalk... FOOL.” There’s a new sheriff in town, and his name isn’t Reggie Hammond. If you want to know his (or her) name, just read any Ohio phonebook from cover to cover.

● Sympathy for armed robbers in Ohio these days is about as common as lucid thoughts attributable to Paris Hilton.

● If honest labor isn’t your thing, try selling drugs... or your body. I guarantee you’ll live longer in prison, with AIDS, or BOTH than you will with a 200 grain hollowpoint in your chest. Don’t believe me? Ask Arthur Buford. You know how to hold a seance, don’t you?