By Allah I Swear It!

From the Holy City of North Ridgeville

It's hard times these days for fawning shills. First it was poor Comical Ali, righteously proclaiming the non-existence of U.S. forces in Baghdad as M1 tanks glide past in the distance.

Now it's Dan Rather suffering the outrageous slings and arrows of reality. He could barely get the disinformation out of his mouth before uncooperative bloggers pointed out the sheer, joyous fraudulence of his story.

I imagine Dan felt like Tsar Nicholas, jostled about by a bunch of smelly peasants as they led him down to the cellar. I imagine he didn't have any more of a clue about what the near future held for him than Rather does....

A Load of Crap but Accurate

I have recently acquired a series of documents proving that Vice President Andrew Johnson was the center of a conspiracy which ended in the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln.

Johnson planned to put Emperor Haile Sellassie of Ethiopa in the White House as President, with Confederate general Nathan Bedford Forrest as Vice President. Only a lover's quarrel between the Lion of Judah and the hero of the Battle of the Crater foiled that part of the plan, leaving Johnson to fill in for Ras Tafari, who went on to found a popular religion in Jamaica. Forrest later established a Georgia based civil rights organization.

I obtained these documents from a member of Lincoln's Illinois State Militia unit. Lending them additional credibility, they are on 8" floppy diskettes, in the original Word Perfect format in which Johnson typed them, using a Kaypro luggable PC.

While the authenticity of these documents has been called into question by a partisan cabal of Martians and knapkin makers, Representative Dennis Kuchinich (D-OH) has not contradicted their accuracy in any way.

Rather than question the integrity of the sources, Vice President Johnson needs to address the charges themselves. To date he has not done so.

Non-Pacifists Infiltrate Religion of Peace

In a stunning historical first, Muslims this week resorted to violence to achieve political goals, seizing a Russian school. After killing a number of parents and children in their initial attack, they proceeded to hold over 1000 people hostage, until driven to desparation by hunger, heat and thirst, some of the captives attempted to escape. Their interest piqued by the hostage takers' prolonged firing at the fleeing victims and detonation of home made bombs among the children, Russian security forces stormed the school, freed the surviving hostages and killed a number of terrorists who had not yet fled through their airtight security cordon, using children as human shields.

Given the unprecedented nature of this event, I'm sure it will be a topic of intense discussion in the Muslim world, from Al Qaeda to Ansar Al Sunna, from Osama Bin Laden to Abu Musab Al Zarqawi.

I'm certain that the end of the Labor Day holiday will bring a flood of condemnations of this one of a kind act of violence from prominent Muslim leaders such as Mullah Omar and Imam Sadr.

Let's hope that this is the only such instance of sectarian violence on the part of Muslims, lest they be lumped in with the non-pacifistic religions such as Christianity, Paganism, Judaism and Buddhism.