Old Whupass in New Cans

From the Holy City of Rocky River

I’ve been away for far too long. Health issues, technical difficulties and simple laziness have contributed to my absence here.

Where to begin? I know! How about that wretched hive of scum and villainy, better known as the Chicago Police Department? That Sergeant York of the South Side, Detective Alvin Weems, having never been able to find his ass with both hands, has now lost said hindquarters in a brutal judgement in favor of the survivors of the late Michael Pleasance. I’m not sure how things are divided up, but between him and Apartheid Chicago, the family of the murdered Mr. Pleasance are owed in excess of $15 million. That homicidal feeb Weems murdered a man in the 95th Street El station. Ironically, he might end up living there, depending upon how the court enforces the judgement against him. Given his facility for lying about the killing of Michael Pleasance, he could always claim to OWN the transit station. And why not? There will always be simpletons eager to believe him merely because some fool put a hat with a checkerboard on his head. Maybe the RTA will take pity on Weems and set aside a broom closet for Weems and his family. But if I were them, I’d put a metal detector in front of it. You don’t want to be anywhere around that dolt when he’s packing iron.

And while we’re on the subject of cavemen in blue, there’s our favorite cross between Ike Turner and Jabba the Hut, Officer Anthony Abbate. Having confirmed [but hardly originated] the reputation of the Chicago PD, he has intermittently reminded one and all of the singular qualities that the Chicago Police Department brings to the world of law enforcement, such as morbid obesity, violence against women and a loathesome sense of entitlement. Now it appears that whatever deal was in the works to allow him to plead guilty has struck the twin icebergs of common sense and simple decency, sending it to the bottom with all hands. Unless even one of his liquor soaked synapses begins firing, it looks like he’s going to go to trial for his cowardly beating of barmaid Karolyna Obrycka. I hear that his attorney is trying to get a change of venue to either the Tribal Territories of Pakistan or Zeta Reticuli. If he can’t be tried somewhere that views him as a hero, at least his case could be tried some place where relatively few people know his name... and spit when they hear it.

And while we’re on the subject of Fat Tony and his future career change to “prison wife”, every time he’s in the news, the crew over at SecondCityCop is poised not just to excuse what he did, but indeed to champion it, since after all, any woman who puts her hands on a guy [who’s physically abusing other patrons] DESERVES a beating like that. My favorite sniveling rant is that of the poltroons who claim, “He wouldn’t be in this kind of trouble if he wasn’t a cop.” Well, DUH! Since a LOT of the charges involve misusing his position to intimidate the complainant and witnesses from pursuing the case against him, I’d guess so. But maybe some genius in a checkerboard hat can spin a gripping yarn of lumber stackers at Home Depot using THEIR “positions” to get people falsely arrested. Of course all of these defenses of a 300lb. sniveling coward are stupid, but I suppose if you’re going down that road, you have to work with the who and what you have. Stupid is as stupid does, and there aren’t many people dumber than the Tony Abbate fan club. When Abbate’s convicted and sentenced to 5-10 in Joliet, I think it would be a fitting gesture of reconciliation if Karolyna Obrycka were to publicly hand that bloated ignoramus a purple negligee (from the Richard Speck Signature Collection), sixe XXXL, season one of “Oz”on DVD, and a gallon bucket of KY as his prison “care package”. Hey, I’m all about reconciliation and healing... and that KY’s a small down payment on the kind of healing Abbate will need., especially if he’s kept in general population as he deserves.